Handling the Holidays
Amidst Grief
These suggestions are compiles
from the past fourteen years from many different bereaved family members.
Some suggestions may not appeal to YOU, but others may be just what
you needed to hear or read. As individuals, we need to assess for ourselves
what lies within our experience, our own tastes, our own capabilities,
and our own desires. Some of us need “permission” to do what
we want, or not to do what others expect of us during our grief journey.
Sometimes reading what others have done—or didn’t do—in
similar circumstances, is just what we need to bolster our own inclinations.
Suggestions
1. Light a candle for your child, sibling, or grandchild throughout
December. It can be a new candle, especially for that purpose; or one
you have already. The idea is to keep your memories bright and warm.
Sometimes such a silent daily memorial lifts one’s spirit.
2. Some families make it a tradition
to purchase an angel for their Christmas tree every year as a way of
bringing their own special angle into the family fold over the holidays.
A shopping trip just to find each year’s angel is often a good
way to help surviving children to reminisce and to enjoy the show of
family solidarity even when one family member is gone.
3. When shopping seems to be the
last thing you can do, you can skip shopping altogether and give monetary
gifts to charities in the names of those on your Christmas list. Of
course you can skip the holidays too, it that’s what you need to
do. But if you really want to do “something”, you could order
gifts from catalogs or the internet to avoid joyous shoppers in the
mall. If you decide actually to shop, plan your outing: go early to
avoid the largest crowds; make a list; make several short shopping trips
instead of one long one. You could also decide to make gifts of items
your child held dear, or family items long viewed with joy and pride,
with an explanatory note to each recipient.
4. Just skip Christmas correspondence
if you prefer. For those you hold dear, use a telephone call in place
of your usual letter. But for those who prefer to keep up such correspondence,
consider addressing just a few (four or five) envelopes a day. Include
a personal note or send copies of a letter you’ve previously prepared.
Some parents have even enclosed a picture of their deceased child or
sent a copy of the obituary. Do not feel as if you must avoid writing
about your child; but by the same token, you need not do so if it makes
you in any way uncomfortable. Sometimes writing is painful when grief
is new. In such times, perhaps each family member could write a few
sentences, making a composite letter for that first (or even subsequent)
holidays.
5. It’s OK to change family
traditions, too. Discuss with your family what each one would like to
do: open gifts at the same time or a different time? Dinner with a traditional
entrée or a different one? Dinner at home or at a restaurant?
Hang stockings as usual or skip it this year? Have a tree or not this
year? Stay home or go away on a vacation to an unusual spot? Whatever
a family decides is perfectly OK. Some future holiday the family may
again revert to their usual traditional festivities and meals–
–or not!
6. Having trouble facing trimming the tree when you really want a tree?
Invite a friend or two over to help you, or invite a friend of your
child’s over to help. People often want to help when their friends
are grieving, but they don’t know what they can do. Tell them.
7. Some families write a note
to their deceased family member
family decides. Writing notes
and placing them in the Christmas stocking can be an on–going tradition
in future years, too, if one chooses to do so.
8. Some families open their homes
to those unable to go to their own family homes over the holidays (especially
foreign college students). Some families volunteer in homeless shelters
or in other ways to be of assistance to those in need during the holidays.
Other families go caroling in their neighborhoods, or take goodies to
shut–ins. Helping others is one way of helping yourself in the
process.
9. However you enter the holidays,
be sure to take it a little easy from time to time. Buy yourself a gift;
take a long, scented bath; try a professional massage; sing or cry in
the shower if you feel like it. Rest often, even if only for 10–15
minutes. Keep to as regular a routine as possible. Sleep at least eight
hours every night.
10. Even if you are surrounded
by all your family members’ smiling faces, you might suddenly burst
out crying. That’s OK. Honest expression of deeply felt grief often
erupts when one least expects it. A look, an off–hand remark, a
song, a poem, a gift, can catch one off guard at any moment; and tears
result. Give yourself permission to cry. It’s natural; and what
is more, tears are healing in and of themselves. Your family and friends
will understand.
11. If you need to go to another
room just for some quiet moments by yourself, do so. You’ll find
you can reenter the family circle with more enthusiasm once you’ve
had a little reprieve. In fact, it’s usually wise all through December
to scheulde some quiet time for yourself. Use your alone–time to
meditate or cry or listen to music or read– – whatever you
want. If you’re afraid of spending too much time alone, set your
clock for a predetermined number of minutes. You’ll feel better
in the long run.
12. On Januray 1st, when you awaken,
congratulate yourself on having made it through the holidays much better
than you anticipated. Keep this list with your Christmas decorations.
You may find it useful next year, too.
13. Even non–grievers often
feel a post–holiday let–down psychologically in January. If
you, too, begin to feel even more depressed in January, recognize that
this, too, will pass. At such times, I tell myself that my daughter
would expect me to endure– –and even more. She would expect
me to overcome grief sufficiently to embrace and to participate in life
fully with all its pain as well as joy. This thought often keeps me
going when I’m tempted to give up. Throughout the coming year,
make your own list of helpful hints to help you through your grief journey,
not just for the holidays, but for the entire year. Sharing your hints
with other more newly bereaved families during the coming year may be
helpful to others, too.
––Shirley C. Ottman
Bereaved Parents of North Texas
